[📝] Today #26: A Decision to Stop Being Dragged Around

✨ GPT Summary 　

A day when I felt conflict and suffocation in a constrained prayer-meeting environment and decided to reclaim ownership of my faith and life.

🎯 Goals

• Today’s goal
  • ✅️ Stop attending the prayer meeting
• Leading indicators for the three major goals
  • ✅️ Goal 1 (Reach 65kg▼ body weight): 1800kcal▼ (Result: kcal)
    • I am deeply dissatisfied with who I am right now.
  • ✅️ Goal 2 (Release 5 apps▲): Build Keymory MVP: Import RichTextEditor into diary
    • o1 is the best
  • ❌ Goal 3 (Win 1 startup contest▲): Watch one startup-related information video
    • Internet speed issue
• Habit tracking
  • ✅️ Reflection: life quote
    • Serving only others while I cannot even take responsibility for myself is a kind of avoidance and hypocrisy.
  • ✅️ Meditation: Bible verse
    • [Matthew 7:5] You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye.
  • ✅️ Development: at least 10 minutes
    • Build Keymory MVP
  • ✅️ Reading: at least 10 minutes
    • Models 27/338p (+7p)
    • Which do I value more: other people’s evaluation or my own evaluation?
  • ✅️ Church: Z, YT, Web
    • Only the essentials
  • ✅️ Review: today’s goal, the three major goals, Life RPG
    • Completed
  • ✅️ Verification: AIFFELthon, Today, workout
    • Scheduled

💭 Diary

I am attending a prayer meeting at a university outside Seoul because “church ministers must attend.” I am supposed to stay here until Saturday morning.

I have so much to say. Part of me is furious, and part of me is receiving grace. Honestly, more than 90% is fury.

There is no Wi-Fi, so I have to rely entirely on hotspot. Because of that environment, I cannot properly develop on my laptop or even search Google. If I want to watch lecture videos, I have to use my phone, and even phone data keeps cutting out. It is a total mess.

I understand the circumstances that led me here. It was semi-forced by the situation, but in the end I did agree to come. The packaging sounds good: to pray. But honestly, after coming here, I am praying even less. I am angry at myself for passively accepting, understanding, and submitting to this whole situation.

Why? Because I have unintentionally become a team leader causing damage in AIFFELthon. From year-end until today, I keep saying, “Let’s do this by then” and then, “because of church work/circumstances…” My teammates keep cleaning up my mess. I am so sorry to the people who trusted me and joined my team.

I realized several things painfully today.

• If I keep being dragged around by “people” rather than “God,” my faith will shatter and only resentment will remain.
  • During the evening prayer meeting, none of the sermon or lecture entered my head. I could only close my eyes and pray. My thoughts and emotions were already tangled, my head hurt, people were crying out in their own ways, and everything started flowing negatively. I almost felt like I had returned to being a thorough atheist. I felt suffocated, nauseous, and like something inside me would break, so I ran outside, walked through the snow, meditated, and prayed. That helped. For me, conversational prayer that goes deep inward fits better than shouting prayer, at least right now.
• Ministry that I did not truly decide to do, but that others asked me to do, eats away at life.
  • Ministry should be something I willingly do out of love to please God, not something I force myself through to please people.
• I have extreme disgust toward irrationally strong control, whether it comes from relationships, responsibility, environment, or anything else.
  • From now on, the phrase “because you are a minister” has no meaning to me. If that wording again leads me into irrational strong control, I will free myself from the title immediately.
• When a decision is needed, I need to be brave enough to decide.
  • I have thought “this is not right” for years, yet failed to decide because of relationships and responsibility. Faith/training/wilderness gaslighting, whether voluntary or imposed, was part of it too.
  • My current vision is clear: development, creation, and shouting out the Lord. New relationships and responsibilities needed for that vision are appearing. If old things function as shackles, I must slowly and courageously cut them off.

This is not only my personal issue. It is a matter of responsibility as the AIFFELthon team leader. If I get dragged around, my whole team suffers. Later, it could become a responsibility issue as a startup CEO/CTO or employee.

So tonight I will clearly explain my situation and express my will, and tomorrow I will go home. If this decision is irrationally rejected, I will make an even bigger decision.

(…)

I am leaving for home tomorrow.

The conversation ended well. Maybe I should have managed my emotions better and at least acted more convincing before talking. Then it might have become a more convincing conversation. But I did not have that emotional room. In the end, shouting prayer was not what I needed.

Relationships are difficult, especially when everyone has good intentions. Who can I blame? It is all on me.

✨ GPT-4o Comment (KPT)

Keep

• You looked at your feelings objectively and made an important decision about faith and life direction.
• You remembered your responsibility as team leader and tried to improve the situation.
• Even in negative emotion, you tried meditation and prayer.

Problem

• The constrained environment created heavy anger and confusion.
• Balance between team responsibility and church ministry was broken.

Try

• Communicate your situation and feelings honestly with the team.
• Seek a more autonomous form of faith and ministry.
• Improve or leave environments that damage faith through irrational pressure.

📌 Three Major Goals Progress Dashboard

Goal 1: Reach 65kg▼ Body Weight (-19.5kg)

• Deadline
  • 2025.1.1 ~ 2025.12.31
• This month’s goal
  • ▶️ 2025.01 M: Reach 81kg▼ body weight (-3.5kg)
• This week’s goal
  • ▶️ 2025.01 W1: Reach 82kg▼ body weight (based on morning fasted scale weight)
• Daily goals
  • ✅️ 2025.01.06 Mon: 1800kcal▼ (Result: 1500kcal)
  • ❌ 2025.01.07 Tue: 1800kcal▼ (Result: 2121kcal)
  • ✅️ 2025.01.08 Wed: 1800kcal▼ (Result: 1647kcal)
  • ❔ 2025.01.09 Thu: 1800kcal▼ (Result: ?kcal)
  • ❔ 2025.01.10 Fri: 1800kcal▼ (Result: ?kcal)
  • ❔ 2025.01.11 Sat: 1800kcal▼ (Result: ?kcal)
  • ❔ 2025.01.12 Sun: 1800kcal▼ (Result: ?kcal)
• Reference indicators

  • Body composition test (InBody) record

    Date	Weight (kg)	Skeletal Muscle Mass (kg)	Body Fat Mass (kg)	Body Fat Percentage (%)
    2025.1.1	84.5	31.2	29.5	34.9

  • BMI index (2025.1.1)

• Notes
  • Carbohydrates 198g(44%) + protein 117g(26%) + fat 60g (30%) = 1800kcal

Goal 2: Release 5 Apps▲

• Deadline
  • 2025.1.1 ~ 2025.12.31
• This month’s goal
  • ▶️ 2025.01 M: Develop Keymory app v0.0.1 (AIFFEL 9th core course - AIFFELthon)
• This week’s goal
  • ▶️ 2025.01 W1: Build Keymory MVP: diary/chat features, prompting, and using Buildship
• Daily goals
  • ✅️ 2025.01.06 Mon: Grace team direction and role division meeting
  • ❌ 2025.01.07 Tue: Build Keymory MVP: Import RichTextEditor into diary
  • ✅️ 2025.01.08 Wed: Build Keymory MVP: Import RichTextEditor into diary
  • ❔ 2025.01.09 Thu: Build Keymory MVP:
  • ❔ 2025.01.10 Fri: Build Keymory MVP:
  • ❔ 2025.01.11 Sat: Build Keymory MVP:
  • ❔ 2025.01.12 Sun: Build Keymory MVP:
• Reference indicators
  • First app: Keymory (in development)
• Notes
  • Play Store app registration requires applying as a sole proprietor -> not planning to register
    • If I apply as a sole proprietor, I may not be able to enter startup contests
  • After graduating from AIFFEL 9th cohort in February, I plan to open an MVP Runners Lab at Modu Research Institute
    • Individuals/teams will make one MVP (minimum viable product) app per month and present at the end of each month.
      • Presentation footage will be uploaded to the Growing IngHyukKing RPG channel (mosaic on request)

Goal 3: Win 1 Startup Contest▲

• Deadline
  • 2025.1.1 ~ 2025.12.31
• This month’s goal
  • ▶️ 2025.01 M: Research and organize a list of 2025 startup contests
• This week’s goal
  • ❔ 2025.01 W1: Watch at least 5 startup-related information videos
• Daily goals
  • ✅️ 2025.01.06 Mon: Watch one startup-related information video
    • Seoul Startup Hub introduction video
  • ❌ 2025.01.07 Tue: Watch one startup-related information video
  • ❌ 2025.01.08 Wed: Watch one startup-related information video
  • ❔ 2025.01.09 Thu: Watch one startup-related information video
  • ❔ 2025.01.10 Fri: Watch one startup-related information video
  • ❔ 2025.01.11 Sat: Watch one startup-related information video
  • ❔ 2025.01.12 Sun: Watch one startup-related information video
• Reference indicators
  • None

✅ Quick Image Review

✅ Mood Tracking by Daylio

✅ Habit Tracking by TickTick

✅ Workout record by Body Calendar

✅ Meal analysis by Sprint